Sept 15th 2012

It was Day 265 on the challenge.  The lesson that I came away with today was commitment.  Commitment to life, to yourself, to a lover.  I tried my best to convey this to Victor, but I am not sure he was even paying attention.  Which is odd to say, given the fact he’s the only one who every really seems to be listening to me.

I’m working on the second challenge.  Getting ready to start it up in the new year.  It feels too far away right now.

Is it wrong to hope that my strange obsessions will bring me closer to a guy who can’t really talk to me?  Guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

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That connection

I haven’t been feeling very connected to much of anything in the last few years. Yes you read right, the last few years. And I didn’t realize just how bad it’s gotten til today, while I was reading someone else’s blog and they were talking about not feeling that connection to their work as of late.

I can’t remember if I mentioned on here on not that I’ve decided to go ahead with a second year of my Monster’s Library starting in January?   I’ve been thinking about it a lot in the last two weeks and it seems like the best thing for me right now.

I’m hoping it will help me connect to who I was years ago when I was at my most creative and happiest. After reading that other person’s blog today, I think more then ever that my plan for a second go around with the whole thing is the best thing for me.  I’m just having a difficult time now waiting for the new year to start. 

I thought about running it from October of this year till October of next, but felt that overlapping the challenges and projects would be too much for me. As I am still hoping to get back full time to my wrestling stuff.

I’d like to know what some of you all do when you don’t feel the connection to the things in your life?  How do you reconnect with yourself?

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Chasing demons

It’s day 238 on my Monster’s Library.  A cartoon today.

I talked a few posts back about the movie The Ninth Gate.  I’ve read the book it’s based on, and am not at all surprised that the movie focuses on only one storyline that is happening in the book, as there are two. And the number 3 is a focus as well. 

Interesting thing about that,  the book Club Dumas, follows the events in The Three Musketeers. And one of the main questions is “why is it called 3 when there are 4?”  Where as in the movie version, they focus on the number 4 when they should be on the number 3.

Confusing.

I think this is my fork in the road.

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Feel it again

The year long challenge aka my Monster’s Library is not even finished yet, and already I feel the need to do a second year.

This time, I’m focusing a bit, making a list of the movie sub-genres and am going to sort of work off of a list, instead of jumping around like a goof. 

I know, some people would say that doing it that way defeats the whole purpose of the ‘challenge’.  But, I say it’s fine tuning something.  Besides, just because you have a plan, doesn’t mean that you are going to be able to stick straight to it.  Anything can happen in the course of a year.  I mean, look at this year already.  I was just two months into this one when I got injured and ended up in the hospital. Totally threw a wrench into my well oiled machine.

 

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Aug 5th 2012

I was watching Superman the other day.  It got me thinking about symbolism in movies. That in turn got me thinking about the movie the Ninth Gate.

I covered that movie way back at the beginning of my Monster’s Library.  But it’s one of those films that you could spend years trying to figure out.  and many people have.

If there was a film that truly combined book, movie, spiritual journey, and suspense, then that is it.  Released in 1999, the movie still 13 years later is still the major subject of research and discussion.

I’m interested to see where this plot might take me on my own crazy movie journey?

And I started to write again.  After not being sure that writing was still for me, I have been typing non stop for the last few days on a new story.

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And now?

I’m completely unsure as to what I should be doing.

The last few years have been a mixed bag to say the lest.  And now, I’m at that metaphoric crossroads, unable to make any sort of turn in the fork.

I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions.  One that will lead me to something and possibly someone new and one that keeps on trucking down the same path that I’ve worked so hard on for the last few years.

I’m 38 but I feel like I’m 18. I don’t look my age, I don’t dress like a grown up and for the longest time I was cool with that.  Now, I just want to be looked at like I belong.  But I just don’t feel like I do.

I was talking this morning with someone I don’t hardly know, about relationships, careers, and the internet.  So pretty much what I do online but for once in real life.   Her advice was to just be true to myself, and any man who doesn’t accept me as is, he’s not worth my time.

Good advice, and something I’ve said to other women a million times over.

So why does it still feel like I just lost everything?

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Day 223

It’s day 223 on the Monster’s Library.    I finally got listed in that movie group I talked about while back (The group that wasn’t) And like everything else, I’ve had a mix of reactions from people in it.

The movie for today was about how things are not always the way they appear. Which, of course has me thinking about Victor yet again.

Ever feel like you’re just waiting for something but not sure what that might be?  Like something is just out of reach but it hasn’t made itself known yet?   It’s been one of those days for me today.

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